I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
