May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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