i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
