So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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