I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
