I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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