On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Drunk is a universal language darling
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
