My sheets look like a crime scene.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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