Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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