I love black thongs
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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