you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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