I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
