My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
