He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
