Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
