Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
