ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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