i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
