News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Still dying that you shit outside
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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