she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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