i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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