Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
