When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
