Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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