You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
