As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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