OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
