is your mom at the bar?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
