Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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