i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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