I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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