no, he came in my armpit
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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