she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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