I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
