Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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