she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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