Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's like God shit irony all over that family
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
