i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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