I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
