did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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