Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
