Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
