I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
