My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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