My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
