My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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