i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
