My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
