I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
