i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
