Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
