My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
